How to write about India

Disclaimer: This response is inspired by the article authored by Binyavanga Wainaina, 'How to write about Africa'. The article I am writing is not meant to offend any culture, religion or ethnicity. Just so that I make it clear, I am an Indian  and this is my opinion about how she is represented in the popular media, through books and other tools of entertainment. If anyone finds this offensive, please bear with it and keep in mind the purpose and intent of writing a pastiche.

Remember: Overflowed sewages and Slums are vital to creating the perfect setting for your story and MAKE SURE that very important quote that “in India, even exceptions run into millions” is known to your readers, actually never mind, that should be your title. It is key to making let the world know what millions of people are doing with their miserable lives.

FIRST, list the values and ideals that define India, that basically are the essentials that make up their everyday life; the ideals upon which the 1.3 billion people of India have laid the very foundation of their lives:

 
1. Arranged Marriage/Child Marriage is okay.

2. Rape is normal.

3. Corruption is fine.

4. Curry is the staple of their diet.

5. Every Indian aspires to be an engineer, or a doctor.

 
Most of them are one of those call center lads who have a hard time talking because the only language they know how to fluently speak is 'Indian' or the more popular name 'Hindu'. Not to mention that it seems kind of odd that the followers of Hinduism and the language of India are both called the same. Such is the logical Indian approach. Overpopulated, dirty, jammed with stupid 1980's cars: without these things you might as well not write about India.

 
Your Indian characters could include rich people,  or no...... include call center lads, struggling teenagers, construction workers, clerks because it won't feel right to the audience to have a rich or successful guy because that takes the whole thrill out of it, which is the whole purpose about writing about India. Show in detail what you intend to do as you would only want to write about something that would benefit India, because you care. You care about the people below the poverty line, you care about the Indian economy, you care about what our government is and what it will do. Show this love to the people of India and they will love it. They are oppressed, they are misguided, they are lost in the enormity of the population,, they have no purpose to their lives, and therefore you should be the mentor and you should preach and they should follow.

 
Describe, in detail, the food in India and how they eat too much of those spicy curries. Tell the audience the plight of the poor lads and girls who have to everyday go through the pain of letting the smell out through their sweat pores. Indians don't eat anything else, they don't know how to make anything else. All the way from north to the south, from the east to the west, all they eat the thick red curry because that is the Indian cuisine. They also make 'roti' and 'naan' to go along with their rich spicy curries which will kill you if you try it. Make sure that your audience knows the facts: Indians are vegetarians, the small amount of people who are non-vegetarian don't eat beef because its religious. After all, Indians, all of them in fact, follow cultures that are no different to each other. 'Hindis', and the minorities: that's it.

 Talk about the very small amount of educated professionals in India and talk about how you called an Indian to help you out with your laptop. Such generalization is good as it makes other Indian people feel educated. ABSOLUTELY, NO DOUBTS, INCLUDE in your text that women are oppressed like never before, they are held within the four walls of the house. Chuck in some pictures of sad women into your text and make sure that it is colorful so that through that diversity, you can communicate the magnitude of the number of women who don't have basic human rights. Remember, this way, you are empowering them, you are teaching the simpletons of India how they should treat their women. Also, make sure that you include the traditional norms of the Indian life. They get married to people they have never seen before and both families of the husband and wife have fights all the time. Through that you can bring in that 'desi' mood you have been waiting for so long and this will allow you to add an extra layer of important information about the ‘common’ culture of India, which you really care about.

Through ‘BOUNCE’, the all-knowing Iggy Azalea has enlightened us with the interest of the Indian people. They love to ride elephants, all of them love to dance, and all of them worship idols which are taken care of by priests who smoke weed. Mention that India’s culture has benefited from the 400 years of British rule and it has made them more civilized. Also talk about the accents, about how everyone in India sounds like Russell Peters’ dad. You must talk about Bollywood: it is such an essential tool to your success because literally every single Indian loves it. Movies like ‘Singham’, ‘Dabaang’, ‘Phatta Poster Nikla Hero' are the building blocks of the Indian society…….

I have so much more to write about the media representations of India. I could go on talking about how to represent India in the manner that popular culture does, but for now I have other priorities than this. Mock exams after all decide what your life will be like afterwards. You might as well die if you fail for a subject in these tests.

Again I don’t intend to offend anyone, this is written solely for the purpose to mock the media for its popular descriptions of what India is like which creates stereotypes . Quite honestly, I find these funny because in Chinua Achebe’s words people don’t have that ‘balance of stories’ to make educated decisions.